Last One Picked

I was recently told that if I’m going to write about the good stuff, I have to write about the bad stuff too. So I’m taking the advice. Because the goal of this site is for people to read it and get an idea of the lifestyle, or to see their problems and feelings are also experienced by other people. So here are all the problems and feelings.
I am, as I have previously mentioned, dating a married man. Everyone is poly. Everyone knows about each other. He and I started seeing each other after his wife had already been dating someone for a couple of months. So she was (is) busy pretty regularly. Which meant that we had a lot of time available to spend together. Which was great. Sure, we’re poly, there are other partners involved, but if you see each other every other night, you can forget about the fact that there are restrictions on your time together.
In previous relationships, I would have been fine had the wife not been dating anyone, because wanting to spend this much time with someone was pretty unimaginable for me. But, I’ve decided to embrace whatever feelings I have and try not to panic or run away from them. And save for a few freak-outs, I’ve done pretty well. I’m fine with the fact that I miss him two minutes after he leaves my house. And I’m fine (or getting closer to it) with admitting that I’m really into this. He is also really into it, and if we’re both on the same page, I can deal.
One of the eventualities of any relationship, specifically a polyamorous relationship, is someone needing to cancel plans. So of course I had thought about him needing to stay home with his wife for some reason or another. And I knew that it was a logical decision. That is a relationship that needs nurturing just like any other, if not more because the poly thing is so new for them.
Despite having thought this out and recognizing that it is the healthiest option for everyone involved, I was very ill-prepared to actually deal with it. We had plans to hang out when she went to the boyfriends, and her plans fell through. She was in a good mood and they were having a productive conversation, so he decided to stay home with her instead of coming over to me.
And as much as I can logically convince myself that it’s fine, it’s not. It’s awful
Which is so, so hypocritical of me. I was frustrated with her for being upset the first night he came over here and she was home alone. After all, she’d been doing it to him for months. And so here I am, cancelled on, and possibly handling it worse than she did.
Remember how I’m trying hard not to panic or think too hard about all the emotions involved in a new relationship? That all went right the fuck out the window.
I’m way too invested. Clearly I need to step way back out of this and never have any feelings for another person ever again. Because this is where feelings lead you. To feeling a bit discarded and wanting to write sad poems about how hard life is.
Woah there Hannah, maybe you’re overreacting just a bit.
Of course I am. Overreacting a ton. And I know that, but it also doesn’t stop me from feeling all of these things. No one has ever said that emotions are strict adherents of logic. So I made a bubble bath and pouted for a while, and then met people to get out of the house. Then I was better. Still not happy, but much more reasonable.
It’s okay to want to spend a good night with your wife. It’s okay to focus on one relationship. Even if you don’t always. If that’s what’s needed in the moment, you get to make that decision. But it’s also okay to be upset and sad about it when you’re on the other end. You can’t always control your feelings, but you get to control how you act on them.
So in case anyone ever tries to tell you that they think polyamory is the easy way out, be sure they know they’re wrong.

Emotional Burnout

I am, as a general rule, not a person that experiences many emotions. I stay at a pretty level “meh” most of the time. Meh happy, meh sad, just meh. Which isn’t a problem for me. I’m fine. I would even go so far as to say that it has helped me in some situations because I don’t have emotional investment in something and can look at it more logically.
However, it also kind of prevents me from actually forming most relationships. At least the same way other people form them. And in all honesty, that hasn’t been an issue for me for the most part either. I haven’t actively missed or wished for feelings. But, my relationships haven’t gone super well either. They end. Or they are based on sex. And I don’t feel emotional attachment.
And that hasn’t been working for me. So when I recently started dating someone and getting a little overwhelmed by feelings, I decided to dive in. Because at this point, why not? And it’s been great. Albeit, it’s been two weeks. So you know. Honeymoon period and all that jazz. But it’s also affecting other parts of my life. I’m happier in general with all my relationships and grateful for the people in my life and not as upset with my fruitless job hunt.
Which is all fine and dandy when I’m occupied with people or things that need to get done. But then when I’m not, I feel listless, and a little bit blank. And while I haven’t ruled out that it’s all hormonal, I think it has to do with this new influx of emotions. Like I’m a balloon that was fine staying unused, but now that it’s been filled up, it must stay filled up or become a void that makes blah days even blah-er.
So that’s where I’m at. Not a bad thing, because I like the happy, but I’m working on dealing with the empty.

What Is Love don’t hurt me…

But really, what is it? What are you expecting from it? Everyone has a different idea of what it means when you tell someone that you love them. In my mind, people believe that once you say “I love you,” you are now attached to that person. Through hellfire and brimstone. You are already entertaining the idea of marriage, even if it’s far off in the future. You are willing to go through a lot more shit for that person now that you officially love them. You’ll compromise for them (that word comes up a lot).

You want to move to LA to take a job, but they like Portland better. Well, you love them, so you have to figure out who wins, and who moves to LA. Because love means sacrifice. Sacrifice everything and everyone so long as you stay together.

At least that is my perception of love. Once people decide that they are in it, they have made this huge commitment that now takes precedent over most other things. Right? Why else would saying “I love you” be such a big deal?

I would say it a lot more often if I didn’t think that it was going to take on unnecessary weight. If telling your partner that you love them was just another form of describing emotion, strong emotion, I would be much more likely to say it. To me, loving someone does mean that I feel more strongly towards them than most other people. I am willing to put more effort into working through problems and devote more of my time to them. But I’m also going to break up if something better comes along for either of us. I won’t spend time agonizing over whether that new job is really worth moving away from a boyfriend. It is. Because it’s my career. And if the boyfriend is a good match for me, he wouldn’t ask that I stay. We’d make it work. Or we break up. And that’s okay.

I had always assumed that this was a different way to frame the idea of loving a partner. A selfish way to go about it that most people wouldn’t be on board with. I’m still not sure that it isn’t. But I was just talking to someone who challenged this beliefs. We were talking about what my boyfriend and I were going to do when he moves four states away (we’re staying together but opening the relationship), and she asked if I loved him. And I went through the whole spiel. Yes, depending on your definition. I would break up tomorrow if it were a better decision for both of us. Etc…

She is a self-identifying romantic. Just got engaged. Super happy. Love is great. Blah, blah, blah. So I’m waiting for a response about that not being love, or something similar. But she says that she thinks it’s a better definition of love than most people.

No, no, no. She must have misunderstood me. How can someone who is so romantic be on board with being ready to jump ship so easily?

She says that wanting what’s best for someone is the best indications that you love someone.

I say what if it’s what’s best for you and not that person? Isn’t that just selfish? At least that’s what I’ve gleaned from society and everyone around me saying to just wait for the right person and then I’ll understand.

She says that it’s healthy. Not selfish. That it’s easy to just give and give to someone and not car about yourself. You have to take care of you while also sharing the number one space with the other person. And sometimes that means recognizing when it’s time to cut the other person out of your life. Upon realizing that, it would be selfish to string the other person along.

And that sounds perfect. And reasonable. And maybe not quite how I look at relationships (I don’t share the number one space in my life, there’s only room for me on that seat). But it is also much more rational than what I believe that most people think about love.

So now I’m not sure what to think. Do most people see this? Do they think that it’s acceptable to look out for yourself first in the relationship, but then get so tangled up in feelings that it becomes too difficult to be rational? Or is it like I originally thought and I am still the outlier? And what does it say about me that I don’t get tangled up in the feelings part?

Basically I’m looking for a psychologist on the internet. Now taking applications.