Having a normal relationship has to be exhausting. Not that having a non-normal one isn’t, but good god. I don’t worry about making sure that I’m meeting all my partner’s needs. I’m not. Of course I’m not. People are complicated, with complicated needs and desires and expectations.
I want someone to have long conversations about the state of the world and also weird hypotheticals that pop into my head. Like what happens to the souls of babies that are sacrificed to the devil? I also like to discuss the latest celebrity news. Calvin and Taylor are having a very messy breakup and Tom Hiddleston can do way better. Someone who reads the same type of books that I do so they can give me recommendations. Same for podcasts and movies and TV shows. And I want someone who ants to go to museums and zoos with me. But not too often. I want to have days where we just stay in the house and never put clothes on and order food in because we’re too busy having sex. Speaking of sex. On top of all those things, I need someone who has good sex. And kinky sex. But only the kind of kink I’m into. I will try most things once, but if your kink is a foot fetish, I’m not the person for you.
Those are my needs from a partner. Just off the top of my head. I forgot to add that I need someone who pushes me to reach my goals and doesn’t tell me that I tried and it was good enough. I also forgot a million more things that are equally important to me.
Am I being too picky? Asking for too much? You fucking bet I am.
And I’m going to continue to ask for, and expect, all that and more. Because you know what? It’s my life. I think that I’m allowed to be selfish when making decisions that will affect me for the rest of it. It’s that idea of compromise again. I understand that you can’t go through life without compromising, but when it’s wrapped up in your happiness, success, future… when is compromise too much?
Maybe it boils down to your goals. If creating and raising children is your ultimate goal, maybe you will give up career ambitions and your dream of traveling around the world. Maybe it isn’t important that your partner is the best sex you’ve ever had. Or that they don’t do that thing that you used to think was important to your sex life. Maybe you can’t have a deep conversation with them, but they are a good person and they also want three kids and a white picket fence.
I don’t think that this is a bad goal. But it isn’t everyone’s goal. And more importantly, it isn’t mine.
What if you could ask for too much? Sure, you still have to compromise on some things, because life. Maybe the kitchen is a little to kitschy for your taste. And even though you are a paper towel family kind of person, you have to become a napkin family. But you can still have all your needs met. It just requires more people in your life. Not like having a lot of friends, but like having more than one partner.
What’s the difference? Friends can’t take up too much space in your life because you need that time to devote to your partner and family. Friends don’t come first, partners do. And that isn’t bad. I have friends, and they come second to my partners. I just have two partners that get a lot of personal time.
You can lean a lot on partners and expect a lot back from them. You can put your hopes and dreams on partners. You can support and be supported by them. But you also don’t have to have one person that has to carry all the weight of your happiness and expectations. Maybe one person likes going out with you to try the Thai place that just opened up down the street. The other one doesn’t like Thai food, but they do think that sacrificed babies go to hell and mature there.
Taking all the pressure off of one person allows you to find and enjoy other characteristics that probably would have been buried under the weight of your expectations.