Last One Picked

I was recently told that if I’m going to write about the good stuff, I have to write about the bad stuff too. So I’m taking the advice. Because the goal of this site is for people to read it and get an idea of the lifestyle, or to see their problems and feelings are also experienced by other people. So here are all the problems and feelings.
I am, as I have previously mentioned, dating a married man. Everyone is poly. Everyone knows about each other. He and I started seeing each other after his wife had already been dating someone for a couple of months. So she was (is) busy pretty regularly. Which meant that we had a lot of time available to spend together. Which was great. Sure, we’re poly, there are other partners involved, but if you see each other every other night, you can forget about the fact that there are restrictions on your time together.
In previous relationships, I would have been fine had the wife not been dating anyone, because wanting to spend this much time with someone was pretty unimaginable for me. But, I’ve decided to embrace whatever feelings I have and try not to panic or run away from them. And save for a few freak-outs, I’ve done pretty well. I’m fine with the fact that I miss him two minutes after he leaves my house. And I’m fine (or getting closer to it) with admitting that I’m really into this. He is also really into it, and if we’re both on the same page, I can deal.
One of the eventualities of any relationship, specifically a polyamorous relationship, is someone needing to cancel plans. So of course I had thought about him needing to stay home with his wife for some reason or another. And I knew that it was a logical decision. That is a relationship that needs nurturing just like any other, if not more because the poly thing is so new for them.
Despite having thought this out and recognizing that it is the healthiest option for everyone involved, I was very ill-prepared to actually deal with it. We had plans to hang out when she went to the boyfriends, and her plans fell through. She was in a good mood and they were having a productive conversation, so he decided to stay home with her instead of coming over to me.
And as much as I can logically convince myself that it’s fine, it’s not. It’s awful
Which is so, so hypocritical of me. I was frustrated with her for being upset the first night he came over here and she was home alone. After all, she’d been doing it to him for months. And so here I am, cancelled on, and possibly handling it worse than she did.
Remember how I’m trying hard not to panic or think too hard about all the emotions involved in a new relationship? That all went right the fuck out the window.
I’m way too invested. Clearly I need to step way back out of this and never have any feelings for another person ever again. Because this is where feelings lead you. To feeling a bit discarded and wanting to write sad poems about how hard life is.
Woah there Hannah, maybe you’re overreacting just a bit.
Of course I am. Overreacting a ton. And I know that, but it also doesn’t stop me from feeling all of these things. No one has ever said that emotions are strict adherents of logic. So I made a bubble bath and pouted for a while, and then met people to get out of the house. Then I was better. Still not happy, but much more reasonable.
It’s okay to want to spend a good night with your wife. It’s okay to focus on one relationship. Even if you don’t always. If that’s what’s needed in the moment, you get to make that decision. But it’s also okay to be upset and sad about it when you’re on the other end. You can’t always control your feelings, but you get to control how you act on them.
So in case anyone ever tries to tell you that they think polyamory is the easy way out, be sure they know they’re wrong.

Sex Makes Things Complicated

Sex immediately complicates a relationship. Not by a little, by a lot. This isn’t me advocating for a sexless life. Far, far from it. But I am saying that when your sex life starts to fail, so does the relationship. What if you share a house, finances, children, etc… and your partner decides that they’ve lost all sexual attraction towards you? But you’re still attracted to them? And they’re still attracted to others? What happens then?

Maybe, maybe, you’re comfortable enough to open up the marriage. But that isn’t traditional. So scratch that. You either suck it up and go on in a sexless marriage —for the children— or you divorce and find someone else you want to sleep with. Fuck the children. And neither of those options really appeals to me.

I know myself well enough to know that I’m fickle. I’m currently happy in a sexually monogamous relationship, but years down the road? I’m going to get bored. And that doesn’t mean that I want to break up. But when that happens to most people, you do break up, and move out, and figure out finances, and split parental rights, etc… It’s awful. Just because you want to go out and get your jollies for a few hours and then come back home.

One of my professors once told me that he and his partner’s stance was “it’s not who you have sex with, it’s who you make your home with.” Or something similar. And that was pretty integral to me figuring out where I stood on relationships.

The idea started me down the road to where I am now. There are people out there in happy relationships that can sleep with other people. And it works. Who knew? Maybe I could date someone and know that they would cheat on me and just not think about it. Or be okay with it. I wasn’t familiar with the ideas of polyamory or open relationships at that point. Or at least I hadn’t put much thought into them. That came later. But now I knew that not every relationship was full of people deluding themselves about the fidelity of their partners. There was hope.

Thoughts on Relationships

I want to go into a little about me and what my life is to give some reference to all of my future posts. Yes, I do have an “About Me” page, but there’s only so much I can go into there. So this is where the rest of it is going to live.

An Intro

Hi, I’m Hannah. I’m 24 and I don’t believe in monogamous relationships.

At least not for me. I know that there are some people who it works out for. But I have a lot of step-parents and step-grandparents. And I have been propositioned by enough people in serious relationships to believe that traditional relationships don’t work as well as everyone says.

And who is everyone to say anyway? How many people actually stop and question the traditional dynamic? I know that most people I’ve encountered don’t, because they are always surprised at how much thought has gone into my relationship.

But that’s what I grew up knowing. Marriages don’t work, and when they do, both people seem to spend a fair bit of time miserable. I’ve been told countless times that these bouts of misery are called compromise. You just clench your teeth through the pain until everything is hunky-dory again. Maybe you came through the other side with a few of your life goals flushed down the toilet, but at least you’re still together. This “compromise” is to be looked up to. And I call bullshit.

If that is what the marriage game is all about, I don’t want anything to do with it. So I went off to college and I met people and I “saw” them. I was never in a relationship. We were never dating. Dating was bad. And for people with feelings that wanted to get hurt. Because it was always going to end. Everything has an expiration date. Or it doesn’t, and you’re going to get cheated on.

No one else was in my boat. Sure all the guys were fine with it. A string-free relationship. But that’s not the same as agreeing. They all knew that they would settle with (and maybe for) someone eventually and that would be that. Surely there were people out there, outside of my small scope of Indiana experience, that didn’t think that traditional marriage was the way to go?

And I found them. Well, I’m in the process of finding them. I had no idea there were so many different ways to go about relationship. Not just different lifestyles, but everyone does each lifestyle differently. I would say that I am poly, but I don’t plan to have an open marriage. And I might end up being sexually monogamous. I’m still learning about different ways to go about life. Through reading, and talking, and trial and error. But I’m sure whatever it is, is out there.